Totally Skewed
An odyssey of navigating the world with a busted compass on a quest to recalibrate a Skewed North to a True North.
Due to unforeseen circumstances and utter chaos, I grew up feeling invisible. So invisible that when I learned to sign my name, I used Blank. Artworks, cards, and anything that required a signature were signed Love, Blank.
The confusion of feeling invisible and needing to be seen created a split within my internal guidance system- my inner compass. It was impossible to feel connected to people when I felt like I didn’t exist. To make matters worse, I was living in an environment where being seen meant you could get hurt.
Creating and making art would be how I would learn to survive this split. It satisfied the need for safety and being seen. I could choose when I was visible because it was up to me when I made something, and the art was proof I was here.
As years passed, the chaos got bigger, and so did the split within myself. It was so disorienting that I only felt at peace alone, making art or writing. I couldn’t wait to get away from it. Traveling would prove to be the way out.
When I started driving at sixteen, I found great freedom in being alone in my car. The chaos allowed in the front seat was up to me. Driving down long stretches of highways became a form of meditation for me. Traveling allowed me to get to know who I was outside of all the chaos. Something I ached for.
As I got older, this invisible feeling manifested in ways like working “behind” the scenes of movies because I was too afraid to be out in front. Working as a scenic artist, painting sets for theater and, eventually, television and feature films was a way I could prove my existence yet still be invisible.
Over the course of my 25-year career, I scaled the ranks from a scenic artist to a charge painter, set designer, and decorator. My creative dedication to the massive collaborations the industry offered fed my soul. What little free time I had in between gigs, I spent making my own paintings, writing, and traveling. Mostly alone.
One fateful day, I was working on a movie set when I met James (Patrick) Dames. He was a dolly grip, artist and photographer with a heart of fire. And he loved to travel. I knew the night I met him he would be in my life somehow. I just didn’t think he would be my husband.
My marriage to Patrick was the first respite I had in my life. Somehow, despite all the chaos, I had attracted this incredible human into my life. To say we had a cosmic connection is putting it lightly. The best description I have is that we went together like a zipper- seamlessly.
Our home pulsed with creativity, laughter, and supportive artistic temperaments. Together, we churned out paintings, art, ideas, and adventures. We even created The Globe Squatters and set out to be the first people to house-sit our way around the world.
After eight years of being together, Panic Quietly happened. Patrick was diagnosed with stage four cancer and, within five months, vanished into the ethers as quickly as he appeared.
Patrick was the best decision I ever made and the worst heartbreak I ever had, and trust me, I had been through a lot already. I have survived a lifetime of Big T traumas, including CDV. If you know about ACES, I am a 10 out of 10. All of which left me living life with complex PTSD. Trust me, it's a good thing if you don’t know any of these acronyms.
But the irony of this story is the opening to healing myself could only be found in his death.
I was faced with finding myself in the debris of losing him, creating in me what I called the Wandering Widow. It has been a long journey to get here. I did it all with a busted compass while conjuring a lot of inner resiliency and creativity.
My life is a journey that should only be taken on paper, which is why I created Skewed North.
It is a product of navigating my own way to find myself among the chaos and calibrate to the truth of who I am. My artwork is the visual journey of me navigating my own soul to get to where I am today, which is, uh, here.
You can come along for the ride or stand on the side of the road while we move along, but whatever you decide to do, know this:
Skewed North is my soul. I share this work with you because I have lived a life learning how to create beauty from chaos. I am committed to living my life under the influence of inspiration and determined to pave the way for others to do the same, no matter how busted their compass is.