Invisible Was Safer

I learned to disappear before I ever learned how to be seen. This is where the split began.

Due to unforeseen circumstances and utter chaos, I grew up feeling invisible. So invisible that when I learned to sign my name, I used Blank. Artworks, cards, and anything that required a signature were signed Love, Blank.

The confusion of feeling invisible and needing to be seen created a split within my internal guidance system- my inner compass. It was impossible to feel connected to people when I felt like I didn’t exist. To make matters worse, I was living in an environment where being seen meant you could get hurt.

Creating and making art would be how I would learn to survive this split. It satisfied the need for safety and being seen. I could choose when I was visible because it was up to me when I made something, and the art was proof I was here.

As years passed, the chaos got bigger, and so did the split within myself. It was so disorienting that I only felt at peace alone, making art or writing. I couldn’t wait to get away from it. Traveling would prove to be the way out.

When I started driving at sixteen, I found great freedom in being alone in my car. The chaos allowed in the front seat was up to me. Driving down long stretches of highways became a form of meditation for me. Traveling allowed me to get to know who I was outside of all the chaos. Something I ached for.

As I got older, this invisible feeling manifested in ways like working “behind” the scenes of movies because I was too afraid to be out in front. Working as a scenic artist, painting sets for theater and, eventually, television and feature films was a way I could prove my existence yet still be invisible.